Anticipation

We are just a few days out from leaving now. Amidst the hurry of final preparation and errands and packing, there's a sense of anticipation welling up in me that I can't ignore. On the one hand, the stark reality is that we are getting on an airplane headed to Africa in a matter of days. It becomes substantially more concrete the closer it gets. That reality brings with it a little bit of panic to get everything done before we go, and to make sure we are ready.

On the other hand, there's a sense of longing in me to be back there. With the exception of James, Holly and I are the only returning team members from last year, and I think a part of my heart has been there this entire past year. I'm excited to see the friends we made: Jane and Ken, Jurim, Laban, Rosemary, David, Mwangi, Gugi, Mary, Bernadetta, and many others. I'm excited to see what God has done in the ministry of Beacon of Hope since we were last there. I'm excited to walk the streets, to experience the sights and sounds and smells, and to make new friends.

Amidst all of the anticipation, I have an overwhelming sense that I'm not ready. I don't know what it is. It goes beyond the practicalities of packing and getting physically ready. That stuff will come together in due course. This uneasiness seeps into my memories and emotions and deep into my heart. I remember the challenges of last year, yes. But I remember more poignantly the joys and the sorrows and the ways God moved in my heart and I'm just not sure I'm ready for all of that again. Compound that with the hurry that I feel in these days, with so much to do and not enough time to do it. And I'm left with the sense that the time I should be spending preparing my heart is actually being spent preparing my toiletries.

I reflect back on one of the biggest lessons that God hammered home in me last year: We're not taking God to Africa. He's been working there for a long time and we get to see a small glimpse of it. When we are there we'll see a snapshot of how God is making new the broken things in this world. And sometimes it's too much, because it points with neon glow to our own desperate need for Him. Yes, there is a physical difference between our worlds. Madison, Wisconsin to Nairobi, Kenya. But the spiritual depth of a people that so desperately rely on God to meet their physical needs is humbling. God is so real for them in ways that I can't even fathom, and it makes me wonder why He doesn't seem that real in my life most of the time.

So, I'm not ready. I doubt I ever really could be. But we're going. And I know this year will bring with it new challenges that I don't yet see. I know that God will rock my boat in ways I can't imagine. My biggest hope for myself and for this team as we go is that we would respond well. That what we learn to be true of God in faraway places would awaken our sense of Him when we return. That we might latch onto aspects of God's character that we've never grasped before and let Him change us in the process.
Joel